By Nadya Creznakova on Thought Catalog

“When you met him, you knew he was broken, but you saw past that and looked at all the good in his heart. You felt the need for his warm touch and his charming words that seemed to make everything better. He seemed to have it all together, even though he was completely shattered.”

“When he finally began to open up, you began to see the way his family and those around him chose to use and abuse him. But knowing all this came with consequences. Knowing this made you part of the damage and just like his punching bag in the garage, your body became his way of relief.

At first you didn’t mind when the sex became rougher and he wrapped his hands around your throat or bit you so hard he left bruises on your skin. But you would later learn you just opened the door to a world you never thought you would enter.

You will never forget the moment it crossed the line and you were left crying on the bathroom floor, wondering why he would hurt you when he swore he loved you and needed you more than life itself.

You will never forget the moment he dropped to his knees to cry, begging you to forgive him, promising that it would never happen again. So you forgave him. After all, you knew the reasons why he was the way he was.

But it didn’t stop. He was cold one minute, shoving you through the bedroom door, and the next minute, he was the man you loved — so you made excuses. You even began to blame yourself. If you just hadn’t said that one thing, he wouldn’t have lashed out. You knew how certain things made him react.

You started to lose yourself in the process, and soon you found yourself breaking open your disposable razor just to see if you could take it to your wrists. End his pain and end yours.

But instead, when you pulled it across your skin, it felt safe. For the first time in a long time you were finally in control of what happened to your body and for the few minutes you did this, it felt right.

So you continued until one night he came home early from work and found you on the bathroom floor and suddenly he changed the way he saw you forever.

Just like that you were the damaged one. And he let you know that you were just too damaged for him and he left.

You were alone and for a brief moment you were relieved you no longer had to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. But reality set in and you realized that he was right — you are damaged, but not because you chose to be that way.

No, you are damaged because he broke you bit by bit everyday you two were together and now you have nothing. You abandoned your friends and family because they didn’t get what you saw in him or why you stayed.

Your sanity went out the door the moment he did and the girl you used to be, the one that always smiled and needed happiness, died the night it crossed the line. Still, you do your best to move on.

As the time passes, you see he has moved on and you still haven’t even begun to repair yourself. His new girlfriend has a light in her eyes you never had and you know it’s because he doesn’t put her through what he put you through because he doesn’t have to anymore. You let him make you his damage and he was healed the moment he walked out of the door.

To the girl that tried to heal him, you did so in your own way, but you lost yourself in the process. I would love to tell you it gets better. That one day you will wake up and enough time will have passed and you will be better. That the scars you continued to make on your skin way after he was gone are now just battle scars and the marks of a warrior…

But I can’t, because I myself still don’t know if it will ever be better.” TC mark

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