Unsplash, Les AndersonUnsplash, Les Anderson

By Reid Stillwagoner on The Thought Catalog

I should have been angrier. I should have yelled and cursed. I should have called you names. I should have told you to go to hell. I should not have heard you out — there was nothing you could say.

Instead, I listened. I heard what you had to say for yourself. I listened to your sorry attempt at an apology. I listened to your careless words. I let you insult me.

I should have hung up, walked away. I should not have given you the time of day, I should have kept your number blocked. Instead, I choked back tears. I asked you “why?” and listened to your bullshit.

I apologized for the way things were between us, although it was no one’s fault but yours. I reminded you of how well I treated you, what I was there for you through. I begged you to understand that I always had your best interest at heart. I listened to you acknowledge me and remind me I was not good enough for you to treat me like I mattered.

I should have told you that you were scum for the way you treated people, especially those who cared about you. I should have told you how the way you treated me made me feel so awful — how you were embarrassed of me, how you only wanted to see me if your boys were busy.

I should have told you that you don’t deserve happiness, especially after all I did for you that went unappreciated. Instead, I listened to you manipulate the situation and tell me it was my fault. I listened to you tell me I was crazy and had no friends. I did not spit back insults or defend myself.

I should have told you how I was serious about wanting nothing to do with you. I should have told you I did not need you to be there for me, never mind that you are not at all capable of doing so.

I should have told you that you do not deserve my friendship, that you do not deserve to have me in your life on your terms. I should have walked away and never looked back. Instead, I gave you an opportunity for friendship, only to be hurt again.

I should have told you it was not fair to move on while we were still together and to string me along — maybe because you were afraid to lose me or maybe because you weren’t ballsy enough to say goodbye. Instead, I listened to your excuses. I listened to you twist things to make me into the bad guy. I listened to you explain why I was crazy for what I thought.

I should not have let you hurt me countless times. I should not have been sad about you. Someone like you does not deserve to make someone like me hurt. But instead, you did. I did. I opened up to you, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I do not have the passion to hate you. I feel indifferent towards you. I do not care what you are up to or how you are and I do not care to know. But at the time, I should have been angrier. You should have felt the passion from my anger.

Maybe I will forever regret not saying the things I should have said. Or maybe I will be proud of myself for handling the situation like you never could. Maybe I will be proud for not trying to hurt you the way you hurt me.

Maybe I will be proud that, even though you broke my heart, you did not turn me bitter. You did not turn me cold enough to not feel. You did not make me hateful enough to say belittling things, like the ones that roll so easily off your tongue. TC mark 

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