For just a bit longer.
If there is something I am very stubborn about, it is fairness (and in a way, justice). I know that I do not have the authority to instigate justice, but maybe I can incite it at least a little bit. Or express my ideas of right and wrong which I think are decently sound.
I feel as though I have made so much progress within myself, and am prepared to forgive. But it is like I am stuck, and cannot get to the final steps without the help of others. (Human beings are not meant to be abandoned at such times of need). By this, I mean many things, one of which is the support of friends and the acknowledgement of the truth. I sometimes doubt myself and think that maybe I am asking for too much, but then there are acquaintances or altogether strangers who have been more understanding and supportive than those I treasured as dear friends. There are always opportunities to show someone that they are not alone, that they are not to blame. I am no stranger when it comes to admitting to my faults and apologizing, but I feel as though I rarely get that comfort in return. I just want to continue to heal and move on. ‘Awkwardness’, embarrassment, and similar fears are far behind me, and I hope that others can overcome those discomforts as well.
I have spent my entire life being misunderstood across so many settings and countries and continents to the point where it is painful for me to ‘let it slide’. I am so tired of hoping others will do the right thing and realize their impact on another’s life. I want to keep moving forward and let go of all that has happened. I want to be able to trust others, to have faith that people will not turn their backs once things get rough. I want to make new friends and acknowledge that what happened to me is not a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of the individuals who did them. (And those who protected him and contributed to pardoning him from consequences can live their lives knowing they helped one of my rapists walk free. Or they can do something about it. There are authorities everywhere on campus. There is always something that can be done. I have done all that I can afford).
I am leaving my door open for just a bit longer, as an opportunity to end on peaceful and amicable terms. (For those who are relieved that I am gone, you won’t be hearing from me anymore). Otherwise, I may close that door and burn all bridges to the past because I cannot keep waiting forever. (All of it hurts too much). It makes my heart very heavy to part on ill feelings and misunderstandings, and I think I deserve to be remembered in good light after all that I think I have done for PC and its students. People’s perceptions of me should not change because of what I have been victim to. I am the same, rational, friendly, and ambitious individual [with the same sense of humor] that I have always [had and] been. And I am always ready to welcome others [back] into my little world with open arms, to let others explain themselves, or at least say goodbye on good terms, if they should ever express that wish.
I still love you all, and think about you every day.