It should go without saying that this is about the rape and abuse, not the heartbreak of the relationship ending.

The pain was accentuated by the loss of her friends and her life at the college. Some people at least have the comfort and support of their friends and family after such trauma. She did not have such a luxury. Everyone just carried on with their lives, not looking back for any reason other than to blame and discredit. They live in the moment where there are parties to go to, alcohol to consume, fun reckless behavior to engage in. They will not hold her hand, they will not fight with her, they will not fight for her in her absence. Above all, they won’t even believe [in] her.

The occasional text from a friend, asking her how she was, would go unanswered for a while or unanswered altogether. She didn’t know how to respond, or where to begin. Does she lie and say she is doing well, or does she truthfully say that she is doing terribly and risk pushing them away some more with her ‘negativity’ that they are already fed-up with? So she decides to say nothing because she doesn’t have the right words. And she didn’t want to communicate until the investigation and trial were over. And then, well, they leave for sure. But not just leave and let it be, but gossip, condescend, and actively provide negative and unsympathetic statements against her in a trial. And then she loses the trial and her rapist officially walks free. Without even a word of caution or a slap on the wrist. Not even.

He made her hate herself so much that she didn’t think she could do better. So she thought the only solution was to stay with him, thinking that would keep her in the illusion that was a little less painful. Does that make her weak? Pathetic? Deserving of such pain? No. She was just inexperienced.

I grew tired of hating a while ago. While I had the right to be angry, it did not drive any of my actions. It especially did not change my recollection of that night, nor did my heartbreak. My recollection of November 15th has been consistent since that night when just 20 minutes after, I couldn’t look at him, when I told him, “You were supposed to protect me…You’re my first boyfriend…”. I never brought it up again until we broke up and we talked about it. And he didn’t deny it once. He said, “I could see it happening…”. He got on his knees and apologized. And said he had done a terrible thing. And then he forgot about it. And lied his way out of responsibility and justice and made her look like the one who wronged. Now she is a joke. Without friends. Without education. Without peace.


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